Not the ONE

Dear Ex

The time has come for me to let this off my chest. I Completely understand your apology and  I completely understand why  you  feel the need to come in and out of my life  however you have to understand that, I am not the one.

The truth was; I was emotionally imprisoned in my thoughts of what it should be and physical, I gave you what I thought I should give, out of fear of losing you. I was indulging in the feeling of the moment your touch, your smell, your look, and the way you made me feel.  It was the look you gave me when I was looking for a sexual high, the words you never said, but the strokes you never missed, the spots you never left untouched and the water you never let drip that kept me attentive to your needs like a child looking for acceptance from a birth mother. I was emotionally incapable of attending to the needs of a man who was in love with a physical aged soul, (a child) looking for ways to get by. A man on a mission to find his queens silly me thinking I was her, doing all the things I did on my back, wondering why, you wouldn't stay? Why you wouldn’t change my last name? Why you wouldn’t give me the credit I deserved? I was giving you me, in every way possible, I was lusting you exactly how you wanted. I was feeding our ego just as you needed.  I was doing it how I thought it should be. I was doing it the way I assumed it should be.

But see God saved you from me and me from you because we both were too damn high off each other to understand our purpose.   I was getting lost in what I thought it was going to be, because I was too ignorant to understand how weak we both were. I simply wanted to feel good; I wanted to feel like I had control over me and you.  I was lethal to you and you were too damn weak to realize it.

See I was feeding everything but your mind and your soul.  I was giving you deserts and no meals, I was  giving  you me  when I  did  not even have me.  I was setting us both on the path to self destruction. God saved you from making the biggest mistake of your life.  You should thank him.

I was not ready 

I was not willing

I was not able

I was incapable

I was mentally incarcerated but physical free

I was not ready

I was not ready to be made into a wife because; I was caught between what I felt and what I knew. Why on earth did you want me?  When, I myself did not want me.  

When you read this letter

I want you understand why we had to part ways, why we both was dangerous for each other.  It is easy for me to blame you for breaking my heart or for being a womanizer. But I would rather just tell you this.  When you look for a woman: look for a God fearing Woman that prays for you when seasons get bad and when seasons are good. A woman that will feed your, mind, body and soul .A woman that gives you a meal before deserts and make you work for it.  A woman that encourages you beyond your imaginations and motivates you to dream big. A woman that challenges you to see the good in each situation.  A woman that knows the answer to her relationship problems is within the bible and the tip of her tongue (communication) a woman who knows who she is and where she wants to go in life.  

The woman I failed to be when we were together.

God saved you from me.