Vulnerability Is Wholeness

Hardness does not equal healing,  I thought this to myself as, I sat on my bedroom floor, crying silently after taking a professional development course that set me all the way straight in life.  Have you ever told yourself that you were okay after getting hurt living like you’ve moved passed the pain like nothing happened? This moment was my realization; that I had been untrue to my truth for over fifteen years of  my life. My response to pain has been: “I am okay, it is natural, just deal with it, who cares,  Bianca this is just your reality, figure it out?”

But was I really figuring anything out or was I just stuffing it away waiting for it to blow up one day? Clearly the latter and that day of reckoning had finally come. As a counselor and coach, I have helped many individuals find themselves, seek clarity, communicate better with their loved ones and show up in workplaces better. In my personal life, I am yet to crack the secret code fore being a mother. As a daughter, I am most certain that I could be doing more and as an individual, well that is what this blog is about; my journey to wholeness and vulnerability.  

What makes you whole may not be the same things that makes me whole and that is okay. This blog is a safe non-judgmental, inquisitive way to grow. I will be sharing aspects on spirituality, relationships and mental health. Why? Truthfully, these are the areas I relate to, connect with and  feel called to. And also because I refuse to hide my fullness my wholeness any longer, despite my struggles.

One truth about me is that there is nothing normal about the life I live. With that said, this blog will not be just me telling you about how great my life is or what, I think you should be doing with yours. Rather, it will be me shedding light on my story: the good and the not so great, in hopes to inspire you to never give up and to never harden your heart towards the things that matter most to you. Brené Brown, a pioneer in vulnerability and owning your truth, states that “owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”   

~Until next time~

Remember to always:  BE positive BE determined and BE You

Maybe Gives Hope

Maybe it is the words, I never heard from those that mattered

Maybe it is the words, I never said to myself.

Maybe it is the voice of society telling me, that, my voice does not matter

Maybe it is just me

Maybe it is you

Maybe I have not done enough to get myself where you want me to be

Maybe I am not what you need me to be because, I was not created to be your quotation mark

Maybe I am the period between your reality and you fantasy

Maybe I am your best satisfaction but your worst nightmare

Maybe I am your last cream

Maybe I am that breath of fresh air with a garden breeze

Maybe I just do not care enough to be anything else but me

Maybe I do not need you, maybe I do

Maybe I do need you

Maybe you are that nothing I am always thinking about

Maybe you are the light in my world

Maybe you are the salt in my world

Maybe you deserve me

Maybe you do not deserve me

Maybe you see me as the broken vessel that I am  

Maybe you  could be wrong

Maybe you are the devil in disguise

Maybe you are suppose to suck the life out of me, so I can reach for the  most high

Maybe you are suppose to give me something special

Maybe doesn’t count but maybe gives hope

Not the ONE

Dear Ex

The time has come for me to let this off my chest. I Completely understand your apology and  I completely understand why  you  feel the need to come in and out of my life  however you have to understand that, I am not the one.

The truth was; I was emotionally imprisoned in my thoughts of what it should be and physical, I gave you what I thought I should give, out of fear of losing you. I was indulging in the feeling of the moment your touch, your smell, your look, and the way you made me feel.  It was the look you gave me when I was looking for a sexual high, the words you never said, but the strokes you never missed, the spots you never left untouched and the water you never let drip that kept me attentive to your needs like a child looking for acceptance from a birth mother. I was emotionally incapable of attending to the needs of a man who was in love with a physical aged soul, (a child) looking for ways to get by. A man on a mission to find his queens silly me thinking I was her, doing all the things I did on my back, wondering why, you wouldn't stay? Why you wouldn’t change my last name? Why you wouldn’t give me the credit I deserved? I was giving you me, in every way possible, I was lusting you exactly how you wanted. I was feeding our ego just as you needed.  I was doing it how I thought it should be. I was doing it the way I assumed it should be.

But see God saved you from me and me from you because we both were too damn high off each other to understand our purpose.   I was getting lost in what I thought it was going to be, because I was too ignorant to understand how weak we both were. I simply wanted to feel good; I wanted to feel like I had control over me and you.  I was lethal to you and you were too damn weak to realize it.

See I was feeding everything but your mind and your soul.  I was giving you deserts and no meals, I was  giving  you me  when I  did  not even have me.  I was setting us both on the path to self destruction. God saved you from making the biggest mistake of your life.  You should thank him.

I was not ready 

I was not willing

I was not able

I was incapable

I was mentally incarcerated but physical free

I was not ready

I was not ready to be made into a wife because; I was caught between what I felt and what I knew. Why on earth did you want me?  When, I myself did not want me.  

When you read this letter

I want you understand why we had to part ways, why we both was dangerous for each other.  It is easy for me to blame you for breaking my heart or for being a womanizer. But I would rather just tell you this.  When you look for a woman: look for a God fearing Woman that prays for you when seasons get bad and when seasons are good. A woman that will feed your, mind, body and soul .A woman that gives you a meal before deserts and make you work for it.  A woman that encourages you beyond your imaginations and motivates you to dream big. A woman that challenges you to see the good in each situation.  A woman that knows the answer to her relationship problems is within the bible and the tip of her tongue (communication) a woman who knows who she is and where she wants to go in life.  

The woman I failed to be when we were together.

God saved you from me.

Ever wondered why people say sorry for certain things when there is really is no need to apologize? Have you ever had someone judge you based on how you feel or the decisions you made in the past or even how you look.  If God is not judging us why should we judge ourselves.

I’m not sorry and you shouldn’t be either for…

1. How you feel

Expressing how you truly  feel (and I mean really feel about something) is a gift. When you tell someone about the way you feel on a certain subject you should never think twice about apologizing for expressing your personal perspective. if that is  how you feel  stand your ground. That is, unless it’s hurtful to the other person or intended to manipulate the situation. Letting people know where you’re at and how you feel is very important. If you don’t express your true feelings then they get swept under the carpet and you get sick and  begin to feel that you are not  important. it is crucial to say what you  mean and mean  what say.

Affirmations:But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one. Matthew  5:37

2. Changing your Environment and Eliminating Friends

changing  your environment can be a big  step  and  one should never  have to  apologize for  wanting  a better, safe, and  peaceful environment, if  the change allows you to be more productive and  healthy  do not apologize  for it.  

Breaking up with a friend is hard (sometimes much  harder than ending a romantic relationship). But sometimes you have to let it go for your own reasons, if the friend is not adding value and instead holding you back, do not be ashamed  to want better and to  say  good bye. ( Do it  Politely)

Affirmations:Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise,  but the companion of fools will suffer harm. Proverb 13:20

3. Your  Silly Past Mistakes

Yes, you might have made  some bad  choices, Yes,you  accepted a job and  now you  are not happy  with it. Yes, you cursed a lot,  Yes you  had to much to  drink after you  said you  would  not do it any more. Yes, you  lied about something and you feel bad about it.  chances are you are truly beating your own self about it  right now. However no one can make you  feel  bad or  say sorry  for the silly  things you did in middle school, high school, college, or even yesterday, unless  it was illegal or damaging to the needs of someone else.  The past is done is over, you will never get  it  back so  beating yourself  up about it will not change the past  let go and move forward. (Nobody's Perfect)

Affirmation: Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do:forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,Philippians 3:13

4. Your Body or your Weight

If you’re apologizing for the way your body looks then stop it. You need to own your body –  the shape, the size, the fact that it keeps you alive and it is yours.  Saying sorry to someone because you’re too big, too small, too light, to  dark, too...whatever is harmful to your heart, mind , body and soul... If someone can’t love you enough to know that perfection does not exist then  that's their loss not yours. (love yourself at any size or shape)

Affirmations: Do you not know that your body's a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own,  for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Your  happiness is crucial to your health and your purpose in life do not spend  another moment feeling bad about yourself, your choices, and for wanting  more and better out of life.

Love Miss.BE

BE. Positive. BE. Determined. BE.You.

I Dont Think You Know

I don't think you will Ever fully understand

 How you've touched my life and made me who I am

 I don't think you could ever know 

Just how truly special you are

 That even on the darkest nights

 You are my brightest star

 You've allowed me to experience something very hard to find Unconditional love that exists 

In my body soul and mind

 I don't think you could ever feel All the love I have to give 

And I'm sure you'll never realize 

You've been my will to live

 You are an amazing person 

And without you I don't know where I'd be

 Having you in my life 

Completes and fulfills every part of me

A love like??

I want the kind of love thats far from normal, a love joined by faith and blessed by God. I want a love that wakes me up with a smile and kisses me good night a love built with understanding determination and wisdom. I want a love that is based on trust,a love that captures my mind body and soul. I want love that makes love to my mind I want love that makes me fall helplesslly in love